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Nevertheless - II

I lived in fear that I would not be good enough.
I dearly loved Jesus but did He really love me?
I was strongly convinced that I didn't measure up;
That I did not make the grade.

Nevertheless, I had no reason to fear because
Jesus DID love me and loves me more than I can say...

School was a torment, I was teased and called 'weird'
I couldn't play rugby - the sport of men
For cricket you need co-ords - I didn't have them.
I was small. I was weak. I didn't 'pull the girls'
I simply was not like other boys.

Nevertheless, in Jesus, my 'wierdness' was what made me unique
Far from being the OUTCAST who didn't conform
God made me this way, before I was born.

Scared to death that someone would find out
My terrible secret, my great shame;
Paralysed by fear that I'd be exposed,
Carrying on a respectable fa├žade
All the while feeling like a complete charade.

Nevertheless, God "from whom no secrets are hid and all desires known" -
Still loves me with an EVERLASTING and UNCONDITIONAL love.

Over these many years I was at war with myself
Two sides of me - pulling me apart
Theology and experience being at such odds:
"Why, if God loves me doesn't He take it away.
I really really wanted to be rid of the 'gay'

It took a long time and I was clearly wrong
About my perception of God and His love for me
I'd become legalistic and homophobic
In jumping to conclusions about what God thought
about me - I came to the brink of drifting away!

Nevertheless, in my moment of need,
God loved me and reached out to say,
"I'm here John and I love you
JUST AS YOU ARE,
Be at peace my son
I love you and I've called you and it's time to move on
I want you to serve me and be part of my plan!"

(C) 2012 - JF.
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I wrote this today while at a Christian conference. I hope it blesses you. It is called Nevertheless - for an obvious reason. The II is because I previously wrote a poem (almost 8 years ago) with this title.

It speaks about my journey with regard to my sexuality - coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and the ramifications for someone who "dearly loved Jesus" and thought being gay was a GREAT SHAME.

The words "From whom no secrets are hid and all desires known" are taken from the Common Book of Prayer - though, in writing it down I reversed the phrases as I discovered it actually says "To whom all desires are known and no secrets are hid." Same words, different order.

I have appreciated the many encouraging words from friends who have written to me about my poem. I'm aware that what I say here clashes with the interpretation of some in regard to this subject - I can only say, this is where I am - you are free to disagree with me - but please just take this poem as my understanding and it is my experience and I believe the experience of many other gay Christians. If it were not for what I talk about in that last verse about God reaching out to me in my moment of need - I can truly say I may well have given up on life altogether.

If you are thinking of writing to tell me I am wrong, I will politely say that you will be wasting your time -
"Whose report do you believe - I believe the report of the LORD!" That is - what I have heard from Him.

Comments

  1. This is such a beautiful poem.
    Thank you for sharing it.
    It gives me and more importantly, your Father God, huge delight to see how far you have come.
    I am so pleased you are here with us. You are a beloved child of God.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachel - I'm so encouraged.

      Delete
  2. John thanks for sharing this. Glad the weekend was such a good event
    and for your steps to integrate all parts of yourself in the knowledge of being dearly loved by God.

    ReplyDelete

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