Skip to main content

Nevertheless - II

I lived in fear that I would not be good enough.
I dearly loved Jesus but did He really love me?
I was strongly convinced that I didn't measure up;
That I did not make the grade.

Nevertheless, I had no reason to fear because
Jesus DID love me and loves me more than I can say...

School was a torment, I was teased and called 'weird'
I couldn't play rugby - the sport of men
For cricket you need co-ords - I didn't have them.
I was small. I was weak. I didn't 'pull the girls'
I simply was not like other boys.

Nevertheless, in Jesus, my 'wierdness' was what made me unique
Far from being the OUTCAST who didn't conform
God made me this way, before I was born.

Scared to death that someone would find out
My terrible secret, my great shame;
Paralysed by fear that I'd be exposed,
Carrying on a respectable fa├žade
All the while feeling like a complete charade.

Nevertheless, God "from whom no secrets are hid and all desires known" -
Still loves me with an EVERLASTING and UNCONDITIONAL love.

Over these many years I was at war with myself
Two sides of me - pulling me apart
Theology and experience being at such odds:
"Why, if God loves me doesn't He take it away.
I really really wanted to be rid of the 'gay'

It took a long time and I was clearly wrong
About my perception of God and His love for me
I'd become legalistic and homophobic
In jumping to conclusions about what God thought
about me - I came to the brink of drifting away!

Nevertheless, in my moment of need,
God loved me and reached out to say,
"I'm here John and I love you
JUST AS YOU ARE,
Be at peace my son
I love you and I've called you and it's time to move on
I want you to serve me and be part of my plan!"

(C) 2012 - JF.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this today while at a Christian conference. I hope it blesses you. It is called Nevertheless - for an obvious reason. The II is because I previously wrote a poem (almost 8 years ago) with this title.

It speaks about my journey with regard to my sexuality - coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and the ramifications for someone who "dearly loved Jesus" and thought being gay was a GREAT SHAME.

The words "From whom no secrets are hid and all desires known" are taken from the Common Book of Prayer - though, in writing it down I reversed the phrases as I discovered it actually says "To whom all desires are known and no secrets are hid." Same words, different order.

I have appreciated the many encouraging words from friends who have written to me about my poem. I'm aware that what I say here clashes with the interpretation of some in regard to this subject - I can only say, this is where I am - you are free to disagree with me - but please just take this poem as my understanding and it is my experience and I believe the experience of many other gay Christians. If it were not for what I talk about in that last verse about God reaching out to me in my moment of need - I can truly say I may well have given up on life altogether.

If you are thinking of writing to tell me I am wrong, I will politely say that you will be wasting your time -
"Whose report do you believe - I believe the report of the LORD!" That is - what I have heard from Him.

Comments

  1. This is such a beautiful poem.
    Thank you for sharing it.
    It gives me and more importantly, your Father God, huge delight to see how far you have come.
    I am so pleased you are here with us. You are a beloved child of God.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachel - I'm so encouraged.

      Delete
  2. John thanks for sharing this. Glad the weekend was such a good event
    and for your steps to integrate all parts of yourself in the knowledge of being dearly loved by God.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Flies in the face

It flies in the face
Of the Gospel of Grace
To turn to your neighbour and say
If you're not straight,
Trad-married or celibate
Then Jesus won't have you today.

Take the Good News to every creature
That is what Jesus told us to do,
So that they may know God, trust God
And be God's child too.

God, by the Spirit  leads the way
And as God's disciples, we follow.
We know that the journey through life can be slow
We are not perfect; we stumble and over we go
Over and over again.
But God  loves us so much he  helps us to keep going on.

Jesus is gentle,  Jesus is kind;
When we take our  time to rise up
And dust ourselves down
He does not mind.
Jesus always helps us to our feet
Dabs our eyes dry and
Leads us by the hand.

Why do we make a fuss
When others who follow are not like us?
Why do you insist
That everyone subscribe to your list
Of don'ts or dos,  of this or that?
It's salvation but with a caveat.

Our pattern-maker is Jesus Christ
Who came to give us eternal life…

Boundary Marker

Wednesday evening and time for Vespers at St Mary's. However this was different. Along with the usual, wonderful calming tunes that permeate the environment, and the sound of the bells and the ringers practice their changes, this Wednesday had a visual component, the work of two local artists. Christine had an installation that explored the link between clothing and boundaries. It was the words "boundaries, real or imagined" that caught my imagination. I thought about the many boundaries that exist. Particularly our imagined boundaries. Or maybe not imagined, maybe they really do exist, in our own minds. 


Boundary Marker Where is your boundary marker?
What is your boundary marker?  A row of pebbles, or a painted line in the street?  A fence topped with barbed wire,  A brick wall with broken glass, set in concrete?
Is there an entry or an exit, or is it entirely enclosed? Is it it a sanctuary, a place of safety and solace, Or are you serving a sentence, self-imposed-  Of s…
Zecharia 4 : 10 
Who despises the day of small things?  

Lau Tzu, the founder of Tauism is supposed to have given us the saying: The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. 

We all have to start somewhere. Sometimes when confronted with a massive task it is really hard to get going.  It seems too overwhelming.  Actually the wise thing to do is to do something,  even if that thing seems like the proverbial drop in a bucket.

Do you need to save £100 for something?  Put those pennies into a jar. open a savings account even if it is a theoretical account  whereby you allocate it on a savings  budget. It might seem a silly thing to do when you consider how much needs to be saved, but you have made a start.

Also don't let people mock you and belittle you. Paul said to Timothy to not let people look down on you because you are young. - but set an example in speech, in life, in faith and in purity (1 Tim 4:12 ) . I other words he was saying Don't let anyone tell you tha…